Evangelista Grace

A blank state of mind

Have you ever reached a point between having important things to do and also having few thoughts on hopelessness besieging your mind? You’re lost for other thoughts and motivation to do anything else. You know you’re not sad, there is no reason to be sad at this point of time. You know you’re not happy either. Rather, it feels like there is this unlabelled emotion intertwined in the huge network of human emotions, almost unmentioned, an insignificant speck of an emotion, and that is exactly the emotion that you’re feeling. It’s a mixture of feelings with no single feeling being anymore intense than the other; blasé, apathetic, lackadaisical, and an overall feeling of detached-ness from your own emotions, your work, your surrounding and everything else that matters. And while feeling this way, you don’t know if you should hate yourself for feeling this way or find a way to overcome it or just be in the moment and dwell in the feeling to feel something out of it, or just wait for the feeling to pass. But you know it’s here, it’s real. The feeling is real. You’ve felt it before. And you’re feeling it once more. You start to question, is there a reason for this feeling? Maybe it’s the rainy weather, maybe it’s the boring afternoons, maybe it’s lack of caffeine, maybe it’s money problems, maybe it’s self-doubt weighing in and maybe there is no reason after all. “Maybe everyone else have felt the same before”, you assure yourself. Your mind is so blank that you wish you could at least conjure a dream in your sleep or imagine something when your eyes are closed. So you retire to your bed. It’s 3.00 PM and no one else is asleep. But you sleep in anyway. And in the quietness and darkness you now feel something. It’s peaceful, it’s quiet, it’s secure. And you’re now slumbering the rest of the afternoon away just to wake up a few hours later to dread yourself, your work and everything else. And this cycle continues again some other time in the future. It creeps up at you when you’re least expecting, silencing your thoughts, muffling your emotions and rendering your actions fruitless.

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